“Mommy, don’t leave me! Please Mommy, don’t leave me! I promise I’ll be better! I promise! Please!”
Johnny Freeman, a 6 year old child from Akron, Ohio, recently had yet another tragic event occur in the dreadful series of misfortunes that is his life. Three weeks after his dog was run over by a Hummer H3, Johnny’s mother walked out on him, claiming she was “tired of his whiny attitude.”
Johnny, accused by his mother of whining of the deaths of both his dog, and less recently his father, had been inconsolable over the last few months.
His father, also run over by a Hummer H3, was left only as a body with a flattened pancake of bone, brain, and blood where his head once was. Because of a previous request before his death, he demanded his wake to be open-casket. After seeing his father’s then-solidified mushskull, Johnny became mute for seven weeks.
Without a mother, father, or dog, Johnny dropped out of school, and entered the workforce. He is currently employed at Little Boys Loving, Inc., a company dedicated to providing boys with the love their parents could no longer give, and give older men an orifice that is “tight, right, and out of sight.”
Despite being considerably tighter than most little boys, Johnny has reportedly been dissatisfied with his current job. Thanks to the aid of the older men, Johnny has been constantly full and filled, yet he has claimed to not be “fulfilled.” This could be because he is a whiny brat, who never seems to have enough.
While we here at The Grain Dealer are not trying to just pile on to Johnny, after learning more about him, it isn’t hard to explain why his mother left him. Maybe if he was able to learn to accept life’s randomness more, and not dwell on the past, he would still have a mother who loved him. Instead, he whined like a whiny person who whines a lot, and now he is an orifice orphan. It’s hard to find sympathy for someone who deserved everything that happened to him. Oh, and he’s really ugly too.
by Karl Peterson
“Do you know hard it is to inject heroin into your veins when you have a whiny brat begging you to take him to soccer practice? Pretty hard! I don’t know how I did it. All I know is that he was a pain. I’m glad I cut my losses and ditched him. Now I can finally be who I always wanted to be: A happy person!”