Whether it be a desperate plea for attention, or the yearning to no longer feel pain, suicide hurts more than just the victim. That is, except for in the case of Wallace Johnson.
Wallace Johnson, a 36 year old unemployed former school teacher, ended his life last Saturday. The significance of this is the lack of significance. Johnson was reportedly unloved by everyone in his life, including his own family.
Wallace was found hanging from a dead tree in his backyard, and was left there for about three days before anyone called the authorities to report it. He lived alone, but his neighbors claim to have noticed the limp body swaying back and forth, but just assumed it was a decoration or something. Clarence Stump, his next door neighbor, was quoted as saying, “I saw something on a rope from a branch, but I didn’t really wanna go check it out. I was never close with Wallace. I imagined it would be kind of hard to be close with him. He just seems so dull! Plus, there was an “Ugly Betty” marathon on the TV Guide channel so I didn’t wanna get up off the couch.”
Unfortunately for Wallace, his suicide did not go quite as planned. After examining the scene, it was concluded that Wallace attempted to kill himself in multiple other ways that evening, but failed repeatedly. He tried overdosing on pills, but fell asleep. He attempted to shoot himself with a gun, but he couldn’t afford any bullets. He then tried to eat himself to starvation with celery, but got bored. (Apparently, celery has negative calories, so it could hypothetically be possible. I suppose…) It wasn’t until he found a rope, already on the tree outside, that he ended his life.
His mother, Jill Johnson, had this to say. “It’s not that he ever did anything wrong. I just couldn’t love him. It definitely wasn’t his fault or anything. I just knew, when I first saw him squeeze out of my expanding vagina, that I wouldn’t love him. He just has an unlovable air about him. Like I said, totally not his fault, but he just wasn’t that special.”
His father had a similar opinion. “Look, he was a sweet boy and all, but he just wasn’t that great. He didn’t really have any talents. People like to say that everyone is best at something, or at least good at something. Wallace was not at all. He wasn’t even good at killing himself! It took him four tries! And I don’t know if you read the suicide note, but it has grammatical errors on it!”
Wallace had many rough times before he finally built up the courage to hang himself. In June, Wallace lost his job as a kindergarten teacher after several complaints from parents that their children “Were beginning to worry they would become unlovable too when [they] grow up.”
After this, his girlfriend Alicia broke up with him. This was because she found him dull and uninteresting, and the “pityfucking was beginning to grow tiring and sad.” Alicia then went on to sleep with Wallace’s much more successful and lovable brother, Daniel, who she is currently engaged with. She also says she loves him very much. Unlike Wallace.
Wallace’s funeral was held in the backyard of his house, and no one attended. Since no one
prepared the arrangements for the funeral, and he is still currently hanging from the same tree he was found on. Authorities tried to contact his friends and family to get them to take care of the funeral, but in his contacts section of his phone, the only number found was a suicide prevention hotline, which he called, and was subsequently hung up on, out of disinterest on behalf of the recipient.
We here at The Grain Dealer also do not care about Wallace, but we have been ordered to write this obituary on him, as punishment for insulting numerous citizens of Cleafland.
by Daniel Johnson
Wallace’s Suicide Note
To Whom it may concern, (“Whom” meaning “No one”)
I have decided to end my life. This is because no one has ever loved me, and I no longer wish to try to pursue love. My life is meaningless, and I see no reason to live. My will is still here, but no one else has the will to see me alive. If no one wants me here, I shall not occupy this earth, and take up space in lines at grocery stores.
With sincere and unrequited love for all,