Rating the Writers: Deaths
Many critics tend to focus on the writing style and content of most authors and poets, but here at The Grain Dealer, we have decided to evaluate how great all these famous writers’ deaths were, on a scale from 3 to 16, with 7 being the highest and 13 being the lowest.
Edgar Allen Poe
Edgar Allen Poe’s death was peculiar, because he was found dead in someone else’s clothes. He was also yelling the name, “Reynolds” while walking through the street, although no one knows who that was. If I had to guess, I’d say he was looking to strangle Ryan Reynolds after he saw “The Green Lantern.” (To avoid making this article dated, just replace “The Green Lantern” with any other film he has made. Examples: The Change-Up, Van Wilder, Just Friends, Waiting, X-Men Origins: Wolverine.)
Rating: 5/16
F. Scott Fitzgerald
After years of alcoholism, F. Scott Fitzgerald suffered multiple heart attacks. Then, after eating a candy bar, he had another heart attack and died. Those fucking Take 5’s keep taking lives. They are so good though. (I won’t die for my country, but I will die for the orgasmic combination of peanut, peanut butter, caramel, pretzel, and chocolate. That doesn’t make me a coward, but it does make me really fat.)
Rating: B-
Ernest Hemingway
Hemingway ended his life by shoving the barrel of a shotgun into his mouth, and pulling the trigger, spraying his brains all over the place, making quite a mess for the person who had to clean him up. That’s kind of rude. Some believe the death to be an accident, which is very possible because he loved performing oral sex on his weaponry. (Seriously, anyone who thinks it was an accident should go ahead and accidentally shoot themselves in the mouth too.)
Rating: 7+
Sylvia Plath
SHE PUT HER HEAD IN A FUCKING GAS OVEN.
Rating:A+
By Henri Leopold Stein and Gertrude Ginsberg
